Friends

I suppose it was envitable that I write this as it has been on my mind a lot for the last few days.

The last week or so has been, not terrible, but upsetting.
I do and don’t want to cry about it.

This week has proven to me once again, that I haven’t got any ‘true’ friends around me.

They use me for whatever they need me for and then push me away if I do not feel well.
A couple of times this week, I have been shaking. Not from the cold, not from any tablets (I don’t take anything), but it’s either something wrong with me or I am identifying anxiety…

I feel flustered and shook to a point where there is a sense of panic in my voice when I speak to others. It’s not from stress but it is thinking about what it is happening around me.

This isn’t supposed to be a soppy post and I am not looking for any sympthany. I just want to know where I have gone wrong and what I can do to improve myself.

I just feel that I am stuck in a loop of having a good couple of friends and then ending up having none by the end of the month.

I lost a couple of friends this month due to actions that didn’t involve me, but I was warned against them. I tried to talk with them, but they didn’t want to know at all.

What am I suppose to do? I have no friends, no sign of any girlfriend and I feel that I am taking 2 steps back and then 1 step forward with everything that I have built up in the last couple of years since moving to Carlow.

But I don’t know, I honestly do not know anymore about what I am suppose to be doing.

If I say anything, I feel that I could be saying the wrong thing and then that will push me away from those friends.

I don’t want to lose anybody else….I am hanging on by a thread.

I look at my phone, waiting for a WhatsApp or a Facebook message, but it sits there in silence waiting for me to interact….

On the flip side, I can’t initiate conversation with people. It feels weird for me to call/text people and ask them how they are.